It’s a funny, old world isn’t it. First you pop out of a vagina, then you spend most of your teenage years wondering what to do with/how to get into a vagina and now you’re drinking beer made from one.
Fantastic, just the niche in the drinks market I was hoping would be filled. Yes, Bottled Instinct – the newest product from vagina-themed company The Order of Yoni – mixes vaginal bacteria with water, malt, hops, wooden chips and yeast to create a very special brand of beer.
And if you were about to offer up your own vaginal bacteria to the beer makers, stop right there, because Botthel Instinct is made solely with the juices of Czech model Alexandra Brendlova. After off-loading her vag bac (because there’s only so many times a girl can write the words vaginal bacteria in one day) onto a ‘gynecological stick’, it was taken to a lab where the lactic acid bacteria was isolated, cleaned and multiplied, ready for the brewery.
“Bet it’s tuna-flavoured”, you’re probably guffawing silently into your phone right now. Well apparently it’s not, and according to the manufacturers it has “no vaginal smell or taste”, just the “grace” and “lure” of the model herself. I’ve never gripped an icy-cold lager in my hand and thought, “I wish this was more graceful tasting”, but I guess there’s a time for everything.
What’s the point of the vag bac then? Well judging by the YouTube video it seems to be about encapsulating “your dream woman” by “waving a magic wand” and “closing her into one bottle of beer”. Like a kind of messed up alcoholic Aladdin, with Jasmine, not Robin Williams trapped in the lamp being forced to make vag bac beer until someone comes along to rub the lamp.
Too far? Check it out for yourself:
“Bottled Sexism” might have been a better name…
Anyway the bottle, which apparently “serves as an ark of her instincts” (I’m not sure either) also has the date and time of her vaginal swab, meaning you can never forget just where your beer came from. They’ve also guaranteed that any future potential vag bac models have had to sign a contract “with a high penalty for working in the adult industry, sex industry, as adult actresses, escorts and prostitutes,” because obviously being paid-for-sex makes your juices less tasty…
Sound tasty to you? You can fund their Indiegogo campaign here, but you might be waiting a while as they’ve currently only raised 11 euros in six days.
Anyone fancy a beer? No, I didn’t think so.
Images: Order of Yoni Indiegogo