He was running late.
I hate waiting at a bar by myself. Its a surefire way to get unwanted attention.
Bella? From Bumble?” I hear a voice call out.
He was standing behind me, all six feet of him. He had the jawline of a Disney prince, cool blue eyes and rumpled dark brown hair.
He was probably out of my league and I was totally willing to take advantage of his oversight.
He sat down next to me, placing his jacket on the seat behind him. He briefly glanced at the drink menu before ordering a wait for it mojito.
Dont get me wrong, I have nothing against mojitos. You just dont order them on dates.
Mojitos are the classic douche boy drink of the early ’00s. Not only are they entirely dated, but they’realso just weird.
My mind jumped to how hed be later that night, if we ended up going back to his place.
Because he’d been living under a rock since 2001, he probably thought 69 was still a mutually satisfyingposition.
Needless to say, his drink of choice wasnt making him look good.
Sorry, dudes, but ladies watch what you order at the bar.
For us, it’s an indicator for how you’ll treat us during the real happy hour.
If hes into whiskey sours, hes all talk.
Its one thing to order a whiskey neat or on the rocks, but a guy whohas to mix the good stuff is probably just a p*ssy.
This kind of gent orders whiskey to look cool, not just because he likes the taste.
Hell try to pick you up at the bar by talking about his ritzy apartment and making not-so-veiled comments about his massive junk.
When you eventually go home with him, you see he actually lives on the sixth floor of awalk-up apartment he shared with four roommates. His so-called “massive” dick also resembles a pig in a blanket.
Ladies, run and keep running.
If he orders scotch neat, he knows his way around downtown.
Guys who drink Glenlivet are old souls.
They can handle a grown up drink. They can also handle you in the bedroom.
Aman whos sipping at his scotch isnt looking to get drunk, so hell be pleasantly buzzed by the time you get back to his apartment.
He is also refined enough to know the difference between each brand of scotch, which means he’s well-read. He’s learned the importance of pleasing you at some point down the road.
Open up for this dude, ladies. It’s worth it.
If hes a gin and tonic man, hes about as adventurous as a doorknob.
Guys whoare still on the gin and tonic vibe havent grown upmuch since college.
Hell say hes all about getting wild between the sheets, but his two favorite positions are missionary and girl-on-top.
Doggy? Hell spend 20 minutes trying to position himself into the right hole. Anything else is simply too next level for the poor guy.
If hes into tequila, hes probably a total jackrabbit.
Fact: Tequila exists with the sole purpose of getting you plastered. If hes downing Don Julio, his signature move is wham, bam, thank you maam.”
If youre into getting drilled, hes the guy for you. If it takes a little more work for you to get your just desserts, all this guy will do is make your bed creak and your vagina hate you forever.
If he’s a vodka soda dude, he cares more about how his abs look than if youre satisfied.
Vodka sodas are the drink of choice for dieters.
If he opts for one, it’s not because he genuinely loves vodka. Its because hes concerned with how his arms look flexing over your head.
There’s nothing wrong with theguy,really. Besides, if youre on top, hell be too transfixed by the sight of you bouncing around to worry about whether or not his abs lookairbrushed.
Long Island iced tea man? Hes probably a virgin.
What guy drinks Long Island iced teas after graduating high school? They were the drink to get when your fake ID actually workedbecause theysounded fancy enough to not raise brows.
Now, hes an adult. His drink probably means he’s only had sex with his right hand.
If hes into his Corona and Heineken, he’s probably never givenan orgasm.
Your cooch is as mysterious as Atlantis for this guy.
You’ll have an average time, but theres nothing adventurous about him. He wont flip you over, nor will he be fast or slow enough for you to feel good.
Going down on you? Yeah, okay.
If hes into small microbreweries, hell stop at nothing to please you.
Guys who prefer niche beer made by breweries you’ve never heard of pay attention to detail.
They also love women. They’ll work you in a way that will always leave you coming back for more.
This type of guy wont rest until he gave you eight orgasms in a row. He will eat you out when youre on your period. No matter what your sexual fantasy is, hell make you believe it’s worth fulfilling.
Dont be creeped out by this guys eagerness. Its so worth it.
If hes a high-class red wine kind of lad, hes bossy in a good way.
If hes ordering the $300 bottle of Pinot Noir, hes suave as sh*t. He knows how he likes his wine, just like he knows how he likes his women.
In bed, hell tell you exactly what he wants. You wont even realize hes being a dominant asshole until hes f*cked you seven ways to Sunday. And youll love it.
If hes into white wine, hes probably a serial killer. Or married. Or both.